The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse
                -- Merrick Furst
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
                -- Alan Perlis
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of
us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching
Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
The First Rule of Program Optimization:
        Don't do it.
The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!):
        Don't do it yet.
                -- Michael Jackson
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
unstructured language.  Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
are.  Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.  C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language.  In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task.  In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity.  The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO.  Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users.  Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
                -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
                   Convention, 1977
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
'Tis the dream of each programmer,
Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
unix soit qui mal y pense
UNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
                -- Andy Tannenbaum
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
        (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
        (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
        (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
        (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
            VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
        (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
                -- Rich Kulawiec
Write-Protect Tab, n.:
        A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
        left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an
        error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far
        outweighs the momentary inconvenience.
                -- Robb Russon
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of FORTRAN.
                -- Alan Perlis
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
                -- Steven Feiner
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware
has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing
machines are so poor at I/O.
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are
so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write
in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured
programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
clear desks.
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write
in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like
using an undocumented external procedure.
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
afraid to break your face.
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
Real Users know your home telephone number.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use the Help key.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Rule of Creative Research:
        (1) Never draw what you can copy.
        (2) Never copy what you can trace.
        (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
        And boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
        Because the paging thrashes!
                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
        And boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
        My jobs it always thrashes!
                Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
Osborn's Law:
        Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Pascal is not a high-level language."
                -- Steven Feiner
Pascal Users:
        To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
        death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
Pascal, n.:
        A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
        his grave if he knew about it.
Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
                Those who understand what they do not manage.
                Those who manage what they do not understand.
Q:  Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:  One per person.
Q:  How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
A:  Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q:  How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
    itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
    reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
    maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q:  How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
    in San Francisco?
A:  Both of them.
Q:  How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One and a half.
Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
    with brightly colored machine tools.
Q:  What's a light-year?
A:  One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q:  Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:  Because it was on the other side.
Q:  Why do ducks have flat feet?
A:  To stamp out forest fires.
Q:  Why do elephants have flat feet?
A:  To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q:  Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:  To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
  _  / \                           o
 / \ | |                       o           o             o
 | | | |   _                    o    o                 o       o
 | \_| |  / \                 o                     o    o
  \__  |  | |             o                           o
     | |  | |            ______   ~~~~              _____
     | |__/ |          / ___--\\ ~~~             __/_____\__
     |  ___/          / \--\\  \\   \ ___       <__  x x  __\
     | |             / /\\  \\       ))  \         (  "  )
     | |     -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
     | |   //       | | //__________  /    \    ____)   (___      \\
     | |  //      __|_|  ( --------- )      //// ______ /////\     \\
         //       |    (  \ ______  /      <<<< <>-----<<<<< /      \\
        //       (     )                      / /         \` \__     \\
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
                -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.


(C) Marko, Suomen Atari-sivut / ArkiSTo 2003